Too hard on myself?

I can find a hundred reasons to tell myself I'm failing. I'm not a good enough mom. I lose my temper. The house isn't clean enough. I don't have enough sex. I'm not a good wife. No one liked the dinner you made. You're too fat. Your hair is disgusting. You're boring. Not funny. Not interesting. You don't have friends. Invisible.

Some days it feels like I'm just holding back tears all day. I actually wish I could cry but the tears never fall. Instead I end up feeling angry about something and more than likely yelling about something.

failure.
failure.
failure.

Finding joy.

The Holiday season is upon us and I'm struggling this year. I feel like this should be a really happy time. Its Gracelyn's first Holiday season and Isaac is old enough this year that it should be really fun. But I'm struggling to find joy. I'm impatient and easy to get frustrated. I can't pinpoint why. I've been getting more sleep lately. The kids haven't been any more difficult than normal. We haven't had any drama from family simply because we haven't been in communication with them. I've been reading my bible more and praying more. We have a small group that meets up every other week. So I don't know. I want to be happy. I don't want to be stressed. But I'm just struggling.

hard.

I'm having a really hard time emotionally today. It's been a tough couple of days. I am in a funk I can't seem to shake. I feel like I could cry at any moment. It's annoying. I wish I could snap out of it. I'm not enjoying the day and I want to snap out of it before this weekend. We are celebrating Jaxon this weekend. It's Emily's baby shower. I don't want to be in a funky mood all weekend!

Dear Lord please help me!

Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus.

Deep breaths in and out through the mouth.

Gracelyn 9 months.

Each month passes so quickly. I feel like I just did Gracelyn's 8 month update. Gracelyn is constantly moving around. She's crawling (quickly!) everywhere and pulling up and standing on anything. I feel like we will have a little walker very soon! She is not a fan of being in a walker, or the jumper thing. She doesn't like to be constrained to anything. I'm curious to see if this is something that she will carry with her as she gets older. Baby girl likes freedom. She doesn't like it when I walk away from her. Her face lights up when she sees Justin or Isaac too. It's getting really fun to see how her and Isaac interact with each other. Sometimes he's a little too rough or takes toys from her but he also tries to make her laugh and smile all the time. She is still mostly breastfeeding but she likes to eat french fries, apples, and those teething biscuits. I've slacked off and I don't make baby food like I did with Isaac. I also haven't made baby wipes like I did basically until this year when he potty trained. Oh well. I still wear her when I can and she doesn't mind the stroller as long as its moving. She is wearing size 12 mo clothes. She's somewhere around 19 lbs. It's hard to believe she's getting close to being a year old. This year has gone by so fast.

8 months

My sweet little girl is 8 months old!! Holy moly. It's hard to believe that this is real life. I have 2 kids. Wow. So little Gracelyn has been on the move. She can crawl like nobody's business. I have to really watch whats on the floor and I'm so so thankful that I no longer have to worry about dog hair on the floor. Another new addition has been 2 teeth! She got her two lower front teeth and let me tell you it was a battle getting those suckers to pop through the gums. I guess I forgot how brutal it was with Isaac. So we are off of our sleeping schedule. She hasn't slept well in about 2-3 weeks now. I probably should whiten my teeth because of the amount of my coffee consumption. She can now follow Isaac around and go after his toys which he doesn't love. She loves watching him and loves it when he tickles her. He is still a little rough and I have to watch him very closely. She is about 18 lbs and is already trying to pull up on the furniture! I think she will be walking sooner than Isaac! She's been a lot better about eating. We are still doing some baby led weaning but she's also started eating some purees and those pouches. She's very vocal when she doesn't like something and jibber jabbers all the time.

Jesus.

Jesus is for me. Jesus is with me. Yes, Lord.

Another baby?

Justin let me know that he won't feel complete with only 2 children. I understand that and I feel the same way sometimes...like am I really done? I like the idea of a larger family but when I picture it the kids are older. The baby stage is so sweet but its also SO HARD. And I'm really struggling with my patience this go around. I don't know if it would be fair to have another when the kids are small. I see people with big families and I just wonder if they spend most of their day being as frustrated and yelling as much as I do. It truly makes me feel like a failure as a mom. Like why can't I just be more chill and not freak out as often as I do. I mean, Isaac is unintentionally trying to kill Gracelyn on the daily and I just freak out. I'm scared I'm breaking his spirit. The thing that I remind myself everyday is that I have barely any memories of the 3 year old me and I'm sure my mom yelled at me some and I don't remember it.Anyway, back to more kids I don't want to wait forever either if I am going to carry another child. We have talked about the idea of foster/adopt but that's also really scary too. I can't help but wonder if I can love another child as much as my own. I just have to trust God and see what he provides for us. Maybe 2 kids is all we will have. Who knows.