Godly Grief.

I've sort of been avoiding my quiet times lately. Or doing them half heartedly. I think that offends God more. He wants my whole heart not half of it. I don't know why. I think its because maybe I'm afraid he will ask something of me that I don't want to give. My selfish human nature is so strong. So because I don't want to be asked of anything I avoid listening to him. But I've been feeling it lately. Or not feeling it, rather. I've been feeling that lacking, emptiness. My heart is so full of love for my little family but I feel like I'm not whole at the same time. That's why the devotion today from She Reads Truth was good for me. I know in order to feel refreshed and whole that I need to repent and come back to God fully. I'm trying to get back to a place where I am more faithful. In my heart I know that he wont ask of me anything that I'm not capable of giving. At least it feels good to be honest with him instead of avoiding my thoughts and feelings altogether.

Seasons.

Everyone has seasons in their life. I'm not talking about Spring and Summer. I mean time periods. The type of season I'm experiencing currently is with my relationship with God. I have seasons where I feel his presence in everything I do and where I feel so close to him. I'm not feeling that right now. Its my own fault because I haven't given him my time. I don't have a specific time carved out where he gets my undivided attention. He never gets my undivided attention.

I don't exactly do New Years resolutions but its always my goal to have a deeper and more faithful relationship with God. The problem is I don't always remember. I can use the excuse that I'm a busy mama and that Isaac needs my attention but I'm a better mom to him when I'm tight with God. The fact that I don't remember to pray or read my bible is really sad. I claim to be a Christian and love him but there are days when I don't even think about him. To type that makes me really sad. Especially because one of the things that I do pray for when I remember to pray is that Isaac will have a relationship with him and love him with all of his heart. How can he do that when God isn't the center of my life. Isaac will learn from watching Justin and I and its up to us to show him.

A lot of times our relationships with God grows from brokenness. Maybe I need to be broken. Right now it just seems like we keep getting blessing after blessing. Everything is really good. Does that mean there is some kind of tragedy in my near future? I don't know. It scares me and to be honest I hope that there isn't something looming ahead of me. But maybe its what I need.

I just started reading She Reads Truth. I've done the Jesus Calling devotional but I'm ready for something different. I'm excited about starting something new.

 I'm hoping by getting all of these thoughts out of my head that it will help keep me accountable.

Santa or no Santa?

Before having a child I didn't really think too much about whether or not we would be promoting Santa. I cant say that believing in Santa really affected me. I sort of remember figuring out that he wasn't real and peeking through my door on Christmas Eve and watching my parents set up all the presents from "Santa". It didn't traumatize me. That being said though it is very important to me that my kids know the true meaning of Christmas. I don't want to get them mountains of presents from Santa or even a large amount of presents that the kids will know come from us.

I think I want to make it more important to read about the birth of Jesus every year and do acts of kindness for people. We could sing Christmas carols, bake cookies for neighbors, adopt a family for Christmas and volunteer for charities. Christmas morning I think I would like to have prayer and a moment of being thankful as a family for our savior before my kids do presents. We will do either 3 presents a piece because the wise men brought 3 gifts or we will do: Something to wear, something they need, something they want and something to read.

I think its ok for my kids to pretend and have an imagination so when they start questioning Santa I wont try to get them to believe in him. I also don't want to push the whole naughty or nice thing.

I feel like this will be a good way for them to not feel left out as far as the whole Santa experience but it wont be the only reason we celebrate and they'll know the true reason for the season.

Incomplete?

Lately I've been feeling really unsettled. Limbo and incomplete are the words I feel have been on my mind lately. I'm a little unsure where God wants me. I feel like something is missing from my life. This mostly boils down to wanting to buy a house. I'm just so unsure about whether it is a good idea to buy a house down here when our lease is up. I guess I just don't know if I want to put down roots here. At this moment it doesn't feel right. But is that because I'm mad that its so far from my family? Is it because of my desires instead of wanting what God wants? I don't know. I've been praying that God will reveal to me what he wants for me and for my family. Justin has such a great job here and I do too now. The thought of picking up and moving is also terrifying. I've done it twice already and its difficult. Do I want to do that again? I think I'm mostly just sad that I'm so far from my parents Every time I go to Tyler to visit the homey feeling I get is almost indescribable. I want it so bad. I don't feel like that when I come to my actual house. I don't know if its possible to find that somewhere else other than Tyler and moving back to Tyler isn't an option. I might be chasing a feeling that I wont be able to find. Nothing will compare to Tyler because my family wont be there so I need to accept the fact that I have to make my home somewhere other than Tyler.

I want a change and I don't know what that means but I hope that I can be quiet enough to listen and hear what God speaks to me.