Godly Grief.

I've sort of been avoiding my quiet times lately. Or doing them half heartedly. I think that offends God more. He wants my whole heart not half of it. I don't know why. I think its because maybe I'm afraid he will ask something of me that I don't want to give. My selfish human nature is so strong. So because I don't want to be asked of anything I avoid listening to him. But I've been feeling it lately. Or not feeling it, rather. I've been feeling that lacking, emptiness. My heart is so full of love for my little family but I feel like I'm not whole at the same time. That's why the devotion today from She Reads Truth was good for me. I know in order to feel refreshed and whole that I need to repent and come back to God fully. I'm trying to get back to a place where I am more faithful. In my heart I know that he wont ask of me anything that I'm not capable of giving. At least it feels good to be honest with him instead of avoiding my thoughts and feelings altogether.

For me.

I sort of just had a wow moment. I recently made a blog about seasons. I've been trying to be more consistent with my quiet times and I've been doing that by reading She Reads Truth. So far I've enjoyed it but if I'm being completely honest sometimes I read it out of obligation. Today was one of those days. I put Isaac down for a nap and I really just wanted to sit here and watch tv and browse pinterest or facebook. I guiltily went to do the devotional though to sort of "get it out of the way". I know that's terrible. But the amazing thing is that God still uses these moments and can speak to us even when we aren't very open. Today's devotion was for me. You can read it here. I mentioned before that I felt like things in my life are sort of too good to be true and that I felt like something bad might be looming ahead of me to sort of balance out everything. I am fearful of God. I'm fearful that he is always waiting to take something away from me. In a way its like I don't think I'm "good" enough and that the blessings he gives me are contingent on me being a "good Christian". I don't know how I've gotten into this mindset but its something I need to work on. I know that he is good and will not forsake us but I don't know my God well enough. It is my goal to get to know him better through study and fellowship to correct this way of thinking that has been going on for far too long.

from She Reads Truth instagram

Seasons.

Everyone has seasons in their life. I'm not talking about Spring and Summer. I mean time periods. The type of season I'm experiencing currently is with my relationship with God. I have seasons where I feel his presence in everything I do and where I feel so close to him. I'm not feeling that right now. Its my own fault because I haven't given him my time. I don't have a specific time carved out where he gets my undivided attention. He never gets my undivided attention.

I don't exactly do New Years resolutions but its always my goal to have a deeper and more faithful relationship with God. The problem is I don't always remember. I can use the excuse that I'm a busy mama and that Isaac needs my attention but I'm a better mom to him when I'm tight with God. The fact that I don't remember to pray or read my bible is really sad. I claim to be a Christian and love him but there are days when I don't even think about him. To type that makes me really sad. Especially because one of the things that I do pray for when I remember to pray is that Isaac will have a relationship with him and love him with all of his heart. How can he do that when God isn't the center of my life. Isaac will learn from watching Justin and I and its up to us to show him.

A lot of times our relationships with God grows from brokenness. Maybe I need to be broken. Right now it just seems like we keep getting blessing after blessing. Everything is really good. Does that mean there is some kind of tragedy in my near future? I don't know. It scares me and to be honest I hope that there isn't something looming ahead of me. But maybe its what I need.

I just started reading She Reads Truth. I've done the Jesus Calling devotional but I'm ready for something different. I'm excited about starting something new.

 I'm hoping by getting all of these thoughts out of my head that it will help keep me accountable.