Thursday, April 6, 2017

Bully.

Being a parent is hard. Especially now that I have 2 kiddos I feel stretch awfully thin. Like transparent. Is there anything that's left of me for me? Will I ever work again? Will anyone want me after I've taken so much time off? I'm getting off track here.

I've been losing my cool lately. Yelling at Isaac, screaming into pillows behind closed doors. Feeling very overwhelmed. I have a precious boy who gives me attitude and quite frankly can be downright mean to me. And I'm struggling with it because I feel like I'm the one who has shown him this behavior. When he doesn't listen to me or do what Ive asked him to my first reaction is to raise my voice and threaten him with a spanking or time out. 99% of the time its just threats and I dont actually spank him or follow through with my discipline. But it makes me feel like a big bully sometimes when I yell. But I can't seem to stop myself. I've had a problem most of my life with people not listening to me. Either in groups when I'm trying to have a conversation or add to one people will talk over me or not listen at all. And I also grew up in a house with a lot of yelling. So its something that I default to and I can't seem to stop. I like to control situations and when Isaac doesn't listen I get mad. I hate that. Its something I pray about every single day. Now I know he's growing and we are in the tantrum phase but I'm so scared that I'm raising him to be a mean boy. Because of how he see's me act. I read devotionals that tell me that parents are the first way that kids can see Jesus' love. In how we treat them. I'm not doing that. And instead I have this voice in my head that gets louder throughout the day telling me, "You're not enough", "This is your fault", "You are a failure". I have never truly felt this way until I became a mom. And my patience is so so thin. Gracelyn takes up so much of my attention that I have a hard time catering to anyone elses needs in the family. I spend most of the day trying to get her to fall asleep and I feel like I'm on edge once she is. I'm constantly wanting to speed up this part of life and get to where it is a little easier. And that makes me feel guilty. She will never be this little again and she might be my last baby so I'll never have this again. And thats kind of sad too.

I guess I just need to get this off my chest. I'm trying to trust God and I have people constantly telling me I'm a good mom and enough. I just wish I could believe it. I hope I don't mess them up.  

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