Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Make it stop.

I start out the day normal. I wake up, feed Isaac and change his diaper. Make Justin and I a smoothie and some coffee. Put on Mickey Mouse for Isaac. Feed the dogs and start to make a mental checklist of everything I would like to accomplish that day. I'm not stressed. I feel perfectly fine. Somehow throughout the day I start to change. It starts out as a slight tightening in my chest. Barely noticeable. Then it gets to where I feel like I'm moving through peanut butter. I can barely move and barely function. The sadness is overwhelming. And I don't know why I'm sad. There is no reason for me to feel this way and no known trigger. Until I'm staring at the clock and praying for Isaac to take a nap so I don't have to do anything. And willing the clock to move forward so that Justin can come home and I wont be alone anymore. I feel so guilty. Am I bad mom when I have days like this? I feel like I don't have a right to feel this way. Is it brought on by Isaac's birthday? I have no idea.  Its hard. Its painful. And I want it to stop.

Please Lord make it stop.

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