Wednesday, June 7, 2017

So much.

There has been so much going on lately. With papa dying and we had to rehome Molly only to find out the person who has her doesn't want her because she is too lazy to go on walks and hikes. And Gracelyn has been sleeping horribly for a few weeks now. Waking up every hour and a half. She is always so gassy so I'm going to meet with a lactation consultant to see if its her latch. Or if she has a lip/tongue tie. I've cut out dairy and so many other foods to see if it helps and I just don't know if it does. We are all desperate for sleep around here. Isaac is even waking up 2-3 times a night and coming in our room. So that translates to me getting out of bed between 6-8 times per night. The dark circles are like super dark right now. Praise the Lord for concealer.

I'm ready for some normalcy! I miss my friends. I miss eating cheese. I miss eating broccoli for goodness sakes. I want to go on a date with my husband! I feel very isolated. I feel like if something doesn't get better that I could need some medication. I don't know. I just know this phase of life is super sweet but its also so hard and I have such a short fuse that I'm missing out on the sweetness.

Papa died.

Justin's papa died a week and a half ago. I feel like I don't even have the words to describe how I feel and all that transpired. He was a pillar of the family and I miss him. I may have only had him in my life the last 12 years but I loved him as my own papa and he loved me the same. He officiated our wedding and I'm sad that he wont be here for our 10 year anniversary. But he did have our vows in his bible still.


Monday, May 22, 2017

3 years old.

Oh my sweet Isaac. He is 3 years old. He is so amazing. He is so loving and funny. Every night before we go to bed we talk about our favorite part of our day and I ask him who he wants to pray for. At some point when we are laying in his bed he tells me I'm his best friend. So then I pretty much melt into a puddle. Even after I have to get on to him many times during the day he still wants me at night. I'm grateful for his innocence and his loving heart.

We had a great day on Saturday! We had family in town and about 5 of his friends came over to play and celebrate. It ended up raining but that didnt stop the kids from having fun! When you're 3 a little mud just makes the party better, haha. Justin and I got him a bike which was the biggest hit out of all the presents. We also got him a kids kindle fire tablet which he hasn't really cared too much about. I'm kinda fine with that to be honest. It was such a fun day for us to watch him actually enjoy a birthday party for the first time. His first birthday was huge with a lot of people but of course he doesn't remember that. And then last year we went to Disney on his birthday which was super awesome but not an actual birthday party. He loved having a bunch of friends come over just to see him. I was surprisingly emotional all weekend. I guess I just realized how much my life has changed over the last three years. And I'm so grateful I get to experience this life and watch him grow. It's all happening so fast too. I really wanted Isaac to feel special and I think he did.










Thursday, May 18, 2017

Unimportant.

Do you ever just feel unimportant? not heard? ignored? This is something I struggle with. I crave a connection with another adult and uninterrupted conversation. Unfortunately social media and technology makes this almost impossible. We don't really look at each other anymore. Always staring at a screen and nodding your head so it looks like you're paying attention. But then when a response is expected of you you look lost.
I don't need that. I'd rather go to bed and get some extra sleep rather than sit on the couch next to someone and feeling more lonely than if I was actually alone.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

3 months

Gracelyn, you are almost 3 months (I'm a few days early!) and little sweetie you keep me on my toes. She was sleeping amazing for about a week or so and only waking up once at night. And I was able to put her down sleepy but still awake and she would fall asleep. But alas that has all changed now. She is waking up every 2-3 hours and even when she is asleep she is so noisy. She either trying to get her hands out of her swaddle to chew on them or making little grunting noises. I'm tempted to put her in her room. But the doctor suggests keeping her in our room for 6 months to reduce SIDS risk. So can't argue with that!

She's a little chunk at over 14 lbs! I'm not sure of the exact weight but I think we are close to 14.5 or 15 lbs. Carrying her in the carseat is my workout for the day and my right arm is getting ripped, haha.

She is starting to laugh!! It's still hard to coax it out of her but its exciting anyway. Her smiles are the cutest! Its like she smiles with her whole body and you can even see it in her shoulders. I love that and I hope it stays.

Isaac is still in love with her and sometimes gets a little too close but I hope he is always this way with her.

A few pictures...





Thursday, April 6, 2017

Bully.

Being a parent is hard. Especially now that I have 2 kiddos I feel stretch awfully thin. Like transparent. Is there anything that's left of me for me? Will I ever work again? Will anyone want me after I've taken so much time off? I'm getting off track here.

I've been losing my cool lately. Yelling at Isaac, screaming into pillows behind closed doors. Feeling very overwhelmed. I have a precious boy who gives me attitude and quite frankly can be downright mean to me. And I'm struggling with it because I feel like I'm the one who has shown him this behavior. When he doesn't listen to me or do what Ive asked him to my first reaction is to raise my voice and threaten him with a spanking or time out. 99% of the time its just threats and I dont actually spank him or follow through with my discipline. But it makes me feel like a big bully sometimes when I yell. But I can't seem to stop myself. I've had a problem most of my life with people not listening to me. Either in groups when I'm trying to have a conversation or add to one people will talk over me or not listen at all. And I also grew up in a house with a lot of yelling. So its something that I default to and I can't seem to stop. I like to control situations and when Isaac doesn't listen I get mad. I hate that. Its something I pray about every single day. Now I know he's growing and we are in the tantrum phase but I'm so scared that I'm raising him to be a mean boy. Because of how he see's me act. I read devotionals that tell me that parents are the first way that kids can see Jesus' love. In how we treat them. I'm not doing that. And instead I have this voice in my head that gets louder throughout the day telling me, "You're not enough", "This is your fault", "You are a failure". I have never truly felt this way until I became a mom. And my patience is so so thin. Gracelyn takes up so much of my attention that I have a hard time catering to anyone elses needs in the family. I spend most of the day trying to get her to fall asleep and I feel like I'm on edge once she is. I'm constantly wanting to speed up this part of life and get to where it is a little easier. And that makes me feel guilty. She will never be this little again and she might be my last baby so I'll never have this again. And thats kind of sad too.

I guess I just need to get this off my chest. I'm trying to trust God and I have people constantly telling me I'm a good mom and enough. I just wish I could believe it. I hope I don't mess them up.  

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

A great weekend.

This past weekend was just so great. It felt so normal. We didn't stay in our pajamas all day watching tv which is what its felt like ever since we've had Gracelyn. We left the house in the morning on Saturday and Sunday and both days stayed out and about until 6pm or so. Whoaaaaaaa. Mind blown. It felt so good to feel normal and like we were handling life with two kids well. During the week is a little harder since I have both of them by myself but I still make an effort to get out of the house with both of them daily if I can. Thankfully I have my Lillebaby carrier because there are some days G lives in that thing.

Today we have her 8 week check up (a week late) we've gotten off on her appts I think because of the RSV scare we had before. In fact I'm a little nervous because she woke up sounding a little congested and phlegmy this morning and so now I have anxiety that the doctor will tell me she has RSV again.

I've had some trouble with her sleeping lately and that has been wearing me out. It seems like I spend most of the day trying to get her to nap. I'm supposed to put her down sleepy but still awake so she falls asleep on her own and its a struggle for real. We were doing great for a couple weeks but the last few days I end up just giving in and breastfeeding her to sleep which is something I hate doing because I did that with Isaac and it was hard to break that. Or I just walk and rock her to sleep. I dont want her to become dependent on these things! Ugh, its a struggle for real. But she has been so smiley and we've all just bonded with her more the last few weeks since she has been so much more responsive to us.